(scroll down to read parts 1 and 2)
I was a bit torn by all these messages. I really needed money. That was the issue. But I also knew that God clearly spoke into my heart that I was NOT to take the job when it was offered. I remember standing in my apartment and debating back and forth because "I need money". The best way I can describe it was like a wave washed over my mind, reminding me of all the stories in the Bible of people disobeying God. They were tempted by anxiety, greed, doubt. And even though God TOLD them what to do or what was to come, they trusted in themselves and made one foolish decision that affected many. God is sovereign, yes, and I rest in this. I am thankful for the flood of these reminders because it was followed up by an intense and healthy fear to not disobey. All of this occurred in about 3 seconds. I immediately got online and quickly wrote to the health care agency "Thank you for contacting me. But I am no longer interested." Send!!
Whew. As soon as I sent it, I was overcome with peace.
In the months to come, people sent me checks in the mail or gave me money face to face. They invited me to eat and I never was without. God took care of my finances. Of course He did.
So the flame for children was still flickering. (yes, I am still laying the foundation here. It's a bit long, but it was a long process of waiting). Hang in there with me.
Now we are in November 2009. And it gets even better.
I was with a friend and I corrected her on something and I expected a defensive response from her. But instead, she immediately apologized and thanked me for correcting her!! Wow, so God really used that to convict me that I am not usually accepting of critique. But why not? Don't I want to be sanctified?! So I was praying that I will really desire to be sharpened by others and to be humble....
Two weeks later, my mom called me to say that she really felt that the Lord wanted me to hear something. (This is not something my mom usually says). My first response (sinful) in my head was 'Oh great' --- good grief! What is it about kids not receiving wisdom from their parents!! Immediately the Spirit convicted me and gave me a desire to hear what my mom wanted to say. If it is from GOD, let's hear it!!
She went on to point out in John 17 that Jesus gave glory to God by accomplishing the work He set out for Jesus to do... Mom felt I really needed to hear that - but because God is NOT finished with me and to give me a hope.. to perhaps change my thinking regarding getting a job... to really pray that God will place me where I can continue with the work He has given me to do - to be a **voice for children at risk, to show compassion, to spur others on. As Mom was speaking, I started crying (which I don't typically do - unless it is about Nigeria or as a confirmation that God is speaking).
** Over the previous year, various people at different times would use the phrase "You're a voice" for the children.. the orphans... Nigeria....
The next morning I read the context around John 17 and John 16 about blew me off of my couch. Paraphrase... Jesus said " There is much more I want to tell you, but you cannot bear it now. I will leave, but the Holy Spirit will be here to declare to you all truth. He has been given authority from the Father to declare to you. Anything my Father says, the Spirit will declare to you."
Ahhh - Praise the Lord! THREE times Jesus said "He will declare to you"... I was at such peace, knowing that I can trust Him to speak to me and that I will hear His voice. The sheep know the voice of their Shepherd.
The next day I got an email that just blew me away.
To be continued.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Fanning the flame - part 2
(scroll down to read part 1 in my previous post)
In the fall of 2009, as I was seeking to know how to use the passion for hurting children, I started to get anxious about my finances.
I need to back up and say this - in May 2009, when my world as I knew it was falling apart and I was having to make the decision to not return to Nigeria, I received an email from a friend. "Erin, I've always supported the ministry in Nigeria financially, but I have never thought to ask if you need support. Do you need help?"
At that time, my supporters had started to drift away, as expected, because I had been in a holding pattern. "I sure do need help! But it's up to you whether or not you want to send it to SIM to get a tax-deduction or to me personally."
A few days later I got a check in the mail. For $10,000. Yes, $10,000. I did not add an extra zero or two. $10,000. I was shocked. I was stunned. I was sooooo thrilled. And I heard the Lord say, "I will take care of you. Be still".
A few days later, I laid down my 'Isaac', Nigeria, on the altar.
The months that followed are what I referred to in my previous post.
So now back to the fall. Seeking, praying, but getting anxious about my finances. I had stopped receiving support through SIM. The $10,000 had been designated to paying my rent (whew!). I was anxious to not be lazy. Anxious to use the skills of nursing. Anxious to serve children in need. But I was mostly determined to obey. I had learned a lot during the previous months. One thing I learned is not to assume things from or about God. He has His Holy standards and His Word and He will never veer from these. He is God and He does things His way and man cannot always discern His ways. Ok, who am I kidding, we can rarely discern His ways.
I wanted to honor the fact that I had graduated from a great nursing program and could (should?) use nursing as a way to make a living. It was a strange concept, though, because for 4 years, using my nursing skills was a way to bring love to people in Nigeria and had no money attached.
I was searching for nursing jobs in Chicago and none of them blew my skirt up, if you know what I mean. Then I came across one that was for a home health company, to care for elderly patients in their homes. I definitely have a soft spot for our elders (don't get me started on how this current culture is racking up bad points for the lack of respect for our elders. I mean, at least let them go through the door first, people!) ok, that's for another blog, because this one is about children....
Anyways, this job position seemed ok, so I figured I would give it a shot. I went to the interview (on a Thursday morning) and it went really well. Was interviewed by 3 people at the same time. They spent most of the time telling me all about the company and what I could expect. They did ask some key questions and seemed happy with my answers and my resume. At the end of the interview, the director told me the salary, discussed the benefits, looked at her colleagues and then said, "Erin, we think you'll be a good fit. Think about it over the weekend. Let us know if you have any questions. And we'll talk on Monday."
Ok, so they offered me the job, right? Everyone I've told this story to, especially my friends in the corporate world say "Yes, you were offered the job."
I spent the weekend praying about it. It all seemed like a fit. Good money, good location, I could serve the hurting and do a decent job at it. Figured I would accept the job and start a new chapter in life.
Come Monday, though, I received an email from the company saying that they were going to continue interviewing people and would get back to me on Friday. What?!?
The wind was knocked out of me and I went back to the Lord in earnest prayer for two days. I should insert here that I had been praying for a long time that God would help me to hear His Spirit and be quick to obey.
On Wednesday morning, two days later, I was praying about the whole situation and, without a doubt, His Spirit said "They will not call you on Friday like they said they will. But they will call you at some point. And when they call you, do NOT accept the job."
The flame that had been flickering in the midst of indecision and possible changes was once again doused with Holy fuel. His guidance gave me such peace and confidence and assurance that He was listening and He was working.
I called my parents the same day to tell them what He said, to have them as witnesses when it came to pass.
Just as He said, they did not call me on Friday. Or the next Friday, or the next.... Six weeks later they called me. And emailed me. And called me again. And emailed me again. All within 36 hours.
To be continued....
In the fall of 2009, as I was seeking to know how to use the passion for hurting children, I started to get anxious about my finances.
I need to back up and say this - in May 2009, when my world as I knew it was falling apart and I was having to make the decision to not return to Nigeria, I received an email from a friend. "Erin, I've always supported the ministry in Nigeria financially, but I have never thought to ask if you need support. Do you need help?"
At that time, my supporters had started to drift away, as expected, because I had been in a holding pattern. "I sure do need help! But it's up to you whether or not you want to send it to SIM to get a tax-deduction or to me personally."
A few days later I got a check in the mail. For $10,000. Yes, $10,000. I did not add an extra zero or two. $10,000. I was shocked. I was stunned. I was sooooo thrilled. And I heard the Lord say, "I will take care of you. Be still".
A few days later, I laid down my 'Isaac', Nigeria, on the altar.
The months that followed are what I referred to in my previous post.
So now back to the fall. Seeking, praying, but getting anxious about my finances. I had stopped receiving support through SIM. The $10,000 had been designated to paying my rent (whew!). I was anxious to not be lazy. Anxious to use the skills of nursing. Anxious to serve children in need. But I was mostly determined to obey. I had learned a lot during the previous months. One thing I learned is not to assume things from or about God. He has His Holy standards and His Word and He will never veer from these. He is God and He does things His way and man cannot always discern His ways. Ok, who am I kidding, we can rarely discern His ways.
I wanted to honor the fact that I had graduated from a great nursing program and could (should?) use nursing as a way to make a living. It was a strange concept, though, because for 4 years, using my nursing skills was a way to bring love to people in Nigeria and had no money attached.
I was searching for nursing jobs in Chicago and none of them blew my skirt up, if you know what I mean. Then I came across one that was for a home health company, to care for elderly patients in their homes. I definitely have a soft spot for our elders (don't get me started on how this current culture is racking up bad points for the lack of respect for our elders. I mean, at least let them go through the door first, people!) ok, that's for another blog, because this one is about children....
Anyways, this job position seemed ok, so I figured I would give it a shot. I went to the interview (on a Thursday morning) and it went really well. Was interviewed by 3 people at the same time. They spent most of the time telling me all about the company and what I could expect. They did ask some key questions and seemed happy with my answers and my resume. At the end of the interview, the director told me the salary, discussed the benefits, looked at her colleagues and then said, "Erin, we think you'll be a good fit. Think about it over the weekend. Let us know if you have any questions. And we'll talk on Monday."
Ok, so they offered me the job, right? Everyone I've told this story to, especially my friends in the corporate world say "Yes, you were offered the job."
I spent the weekend praying about it. It all seemed like a fit. Good money, good location, I could serve the hurting and do a decent job at it. Figured I would accept the job and start a new chapter in life.
Come Monday, though, I received an email from the company saying that they were going to continue interviewing people and would get back to me on Friday. What?!?
The wind was knocked out of me and I went back to the Lord in earnest prayer for two days. I should insert here that I had been praying for a long time that God would help me to hear His Spirit and be quick to obey.
On Wednesday morning, two days later, I was praying about the whole situation and, without a doubt, His Spirit said "They will not call you on Friday like they said they will. But they will call you at some point. And when they call you, do NOT accept the job."
The flame that had been flickering in the midst of indecision and possible changes was once again doused with Holy fuel. His guidance gave me such peace and confidence and assurance that He was listening and He was working.
I called my parents the same day to tell them what He said, to have them as witnesses when it came to pass.
Just as He said, they did not call me on Friday. Or the next Friday, or the next.... Six weeks later they called me. And emailed me. And called me again. And emailed me again. All within 36 hours.
To be continued....
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Fanning the flame - part 1
Back in 1997 is when the small flame was fanned in my heart for children in need. I had traveled to Zimbabwe to serve alongside Child Evangelism Fellowship for six weeks. I was 18 years old and had never been out of white, middle class Texas. But God had given me a burning desire to get out, to see, and to know Him and His world.
While in Zimbabwe, I was taken aback by the fierce love I had for the children and for the intense desire to protect them. When I returned to Texas, I was quite a mess. I didn't know what to think, how to share what I was feeling, or how to take what I learned and saw in Zimbabwe and apply it to my college life. So, I didn't. I decided it hurt too much.
However, a couple years later, I was laying on my bed in my dorm room. On the TV was a documentary of the Rwandan genocide and stories of all the hundreds of orphans. Seeing those images set a spark to the ember that remained from two years earlier started to fan into a flame again.
I was able to go to China that summer (in 1999) with my mom and a team from Overseas Missionary Fellowship. Although we were teaching English to young adults, I was looking at the kids in the cities and the villages. I was wondering if I could handle a broken heart for the hurting children. In China. In Africa. The world.
I returned to Texas determined to not forget. I spent a lot of time praying, asking questions, seeking the answers to how, where, what, when.... In November 1999 I met a gal my age at a conference. After chatting with each other for a short time, she looked straight in my eyes and said "You know you're supposed to be a missionary, right?". More fuel to the flame.
Soon after, while praying earnestly, God clearly spoke to my heart "You love my people. You want to care for them. How can this NOT be what I want?" I went straight downstairs and told my mom before I chickened out and decided to douse the flame with excuses, practicality, and selfishness. When I told her what the Lord showed me, she literally did a little dance. Talk about throwing gas on the flame - her fire made mine burn brighter.
That year, God connected me with Serving in Mission. I graduated from nursing school and moved to Chicago to start studying at Moody Bible Institute. While there, I was looking for how to keep the fire going. A classmate was trying to get friends to join her on Saturday's to reach out to the kids in Cabrini Green, a rough low-income housing area. "Great," I thought, "this is the perfect way to connect with kids." Hmmm. It was tough. I didn't feel safe. I definitely did not fit in. The kids were rude and demanding at times. So I said "Forget it." For the next two Saturday's I tried to sleep in. Right. I was wide awake, thinking about the kids and trying to not have a broken heart for them. The Holy Spirit speaks, do you know that? (John 16). He spoke quite loudly to me that day, while I tried to sleep. "Erin, this is not about how you feel. This is about obedience. Commit to these kids. I will help you to love them."
Ok, wide awake. And once I committed, I was sold. I was with those kids on Saturday's for 2 years. I also volunteered with By The Hand Club for Kids and learned a lot under my mentor Donnita Travis.
During an outreach event in Cabrini Green, the visiting pastor called me to come over. He said "Erin, God has given you a passion for children. He will equip you. Don't give up." More fuel to the flame.
Soon after, I was offered a position with SIM in Nigeria. City Ministries Nigeria had, at that time, 70 boys from the streets/orphans and no one to care for their health needs. Without even seeing pictures, I was sold.
In December 2003, I moved to Nigeria and started a chapter in my life that caused much joy, much heart ache, and the best 4 years of my life thus far. For more details, check out my other blog http://erinrigsby.blogspot.com/.
In God's sovereignty, He called me out of Nigeria in April 2008. That started the most difficult, darkest, painful chapter of my life. I, along with many others, were perplexed as to why the Lord would allow a lung condition to 'get in the way' of an incredible ministry and change the plans of someone (me) who was completely and utterly devoted to Nigeria and planned on living there until I died or retired.
Many lessons have been learned in the past 2 years. One thing I have learned, is that He never breaks His promises, He never lies, He never quits.
The flame for hurting children tried to go out. The enemy did all he could to distract me, to tempt me, to discourage me. My selfishness, my pain, my confusion also got in the way. At times, I felt so consumed by brokenness and sorrow, from missing the children in Nigeria and the loss of all I had known the past 4 years. Let's just say, it was hard.
But it was also beautiful. In the midst of the anguish and the anger, the Spirit continued to speak, to encourage, to comfort, to lead me back to Truth. I was hungry for the Word, to understand and to go deeper. Chaos took me to an intense desire for peace. Confusion lead me to seek a Strong Foundation. To run to my Refuge.
The burden for children remained and the fire never went out. There were days, though, to be quite honest, that I just wished I wouldn't care so much and love so deeply. I wished (and sometimes still do in my selfishness), that I could be free from feeling their pain.
Thank the Lord that, through His Word, His Spirit, and His people, I can still feel. I am not numb or callous.
Last fall (2009) as I started to come up from the place of brokenness, I started seeking where serve. Over the years, when people heard me speak about children in need, they would say that God has given me the ability to be a voice for the children. To be a voice... hmmm... how was that going to happen now that I was back in the States? It took months and lots of prayer before God showed me.
To be continued....
While in Zimbabwe, I was taken aback by the fierce love I had for the children and for the intense desire to protect them. When I returned to Texas, I was quite a mess. I didn't know what to think, how to share what I was feeling, or how to take what I learned and saw in Zimbabwe and apply it to my college life. So, I didn't. I decided it hurt too much.
However, a couple years later, I was laying on my bed in my dorm room. On the TV was a documentary of the Rwandan genocide and stories of all the hundreds of orphans. Seeing those images set a spark to the ember that remained from two years earlier started to fan into a flame again.
I was able to go to China that summer (in 1999) with my mom and a team from Overseas Missionary Fellowship. Although we were teaching English to young adults, I was looking at the kids in the cities and the villages. I was wondering if I could handle a broken heart for the hurting children. In China. In Africa. The world.
I returned to Texas determined to not forget. I spent a lot of time praying, asking questions, seeking the answers to how, where, what, when.... In November 1999 I met a gal my age at a conference. After chatting with each other for a short time, she looked straight in my eyes and said "You know you're supposed to be a missionary, right?". More fuel to the flame.
Soon after, while praying earnestly, God clearly spoke to my heart "You love my people. You want to care for them. How can this NOT be what I want?" I went straight downstairs and told my mom before I chickened out and decided to douse the flame with excuses, practicality, and selfishness. When I told her what the Lord showed me, she literally did a little dance. Talk about throwing gas on the flame - her fire made mine burn brighter.
That year, God connected me with Serving in Mission. I graduated from nursing school and moved to Chicago to start studying at Moody Bible Institute. While there, I was looking for how to keep the fire going. A classmate was trying to get friends to join her on Saturday's to reach out to the kids in Cabrini Green, a rough low-income housing area. "Great," I thought, "this is the perfect way to connect with kids." Hmmm. It was tough. I didn't feel safe. I definitely did not fit in. The kids were rude and demanding at times. So I said "Forget it." For the next two Saturday's I tried to sleep in. Right. I was wide awake, thinking about the kids and trying to not have a broken heart for them. The Holy Spirit speaks, do you know that? (John 16). He spoke quite loudly to me that day, while I tried to sleep. "Erin, this is not about how you feel. This is about obedience. Commit to these kids. I will help you to love them."
Ok, wide awake. And once I committed, I was sold. I was with those kids on Saturday's for 2 years. I also volunteered with By The Hand Club for Kids and learned a lot under my mentor Donnita Travis.
During an outreach event in Cabrini Green, the visiting pastor called me to come over. He said "Erin, God has given you a passion for children. He will equip you. Don't give up." More fuel to the flame.
Soon after, I was offered a position with SIM in Nigeria. City Ministries Nigeria had, at that time, 70 boys from the streets/orphans and no one to care for their health needs. Without even seeing pictures, I was sold.
In December 2003, I moved to Nigeria and started a chapter in my life that caused much joy, much heart ache, and the best 4 years of my life thus far. For more details, check out my other blog http://erinrigsby.blogspot.com/.
In God's sovereignty, He called me out of Nigeria in April 2008. That started the most difficult, darkest, painful chapter of my life. I, along with many others, were perplexed as to why the Lord would allow a lung condition to 'get in the way' of an incredible ministry and change the plans of someone (me) who was completely and utterly devoted to Nigeria and planned on living there until I died or retired.
Many lessons have been learned in the past 2 years. One thing I have learned, is that He never breaks His promises, He never lies, He never quits.
The flame for hurting children tried to go out. The enemy did all he could to distract me, to tempt me, to discourage me. My selfishness, my pain, my confusion also got in the way. At times, I felt so consumed by brokenness and sorrow, from missing the children in Nigeria and the loss of all I had known the past 4 years. Let's just say, it was hard.
But it was also beautiful. In the midst of the anguish and the anger, the Spirit continued to speak, to encourage, to comfort, to lead me back to Truth. I was hungry for the Word, to understand and to go deeper. Chaos took me to an intense desire for peace. Confusion lead me to seek a Strong Foundation. To run to my Refuge.
The burden for children remained and the fire never went out. There were days, though, to be quite honest, that I just wished I wouldn't care so much and love so deeply. I wished (and sometimes still do in my selfishness), that I could be free from feeling their pain.
Thank the Lord that, through His Word, His Spirit, and His people, I can still feel. I am not numb or callous.
Last fall (2009) as I started to come up from the place of brokenness, I started seeking where serve. Over the years, when people heard me speak about children in need, they would say that God has given me the ability to be a voice for the children. To be a voice... hmmm... how was that going to happen now that I was back in the States? It took months and lots of prayer before God showed me.
To be continued....
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