Fanning the flame - part 1

Back in 1997 is when the small flame was fanned in my heart for children in need. I had traveled to Zimbabwe to serve alongside Child Evangelism Fellowship for six weeks. I was 18 years old and had never been out of white, middle class Texas. But God had given me a burning desire to get out, to see, and to know Him and His world.

While in Zimbabwe, I was taken aback by the fierce love I had for the children and for the intense desire to protect them. When I returned to Texas, I was quite a mess. I didn't know what to think, how to share what I was feeling, or how to take what I learned and saw in Zimbabwe and apply it to my college life. So, I didn't. I decided it hurt too much.

However, a couple years later, I was laying on my bed in my dorm room. On the TV was a documentary of the Rwandan genocide and stories of all the hundreds of orphans. Seeing those images set a spark to the ember that remained from two years earlier started to fan into a flame again.

I was able to go to China that summer (in 1999) with my mom and a team from Overseas Missionary Fellowship. Although we were teaching English to young adults, I was looking at the kids in the cities and the villages. I was wondering if I could handle a broken heart for the hurting children. In China. In Africa. The world.

I returned to Texas determined to not forget. I spent a lot of time praying, asking questions, seeking the answers to how, where, what, when....  In November 1999 I met a gal my age at a conference. After chatting with each other for a short time, she looked straight in my eyes and said "You know you're supposed to be a missionary, right?". More fuel to the flame.

Soon after, while praying earnestly, God clearly spoke to my heart "You love my people. You want to care for them. How can this NOT be what I want?" I went straight downstairs and told my mom before I chickened out and decided to douse the flame with excuses, practicality, and selfishness. When I told her what the Lord showed me, she literally did a little dance. Talk about throwing gas on the flame - her fire made mine burn brighter.

That year, God connected me with Serving in Mission. I graduated from nursing school and moved to Chicago to start studying at Moody Bible Institute. While there, I was looking for how to keep the fire going. A classmate was trying to get friends to join her on Saturday's to reach out to the kids in Cabrini Green, a rough low-income housing area. "Great," I thought, "this is the perfect way to connect with kids." Hmmm. It was tough. I didn't feel safe. I definitely did not fit in. The kids were rude and demanding at times. So I said "Forget it."  For the next two Saturday's I tried to sleep in. Right. I was wide awake, thinking about the kids and trying to not have a broken heart for them. The Holy Spirit speaks, do you know that? (John 16). He spoke quite loudly to me that day, while I tried to sleep. "Erin, this is not about how you feel. This is about obedience. Commit to these kids. I will help you to love them."

Ok, wide awake. And once I committed, I was sold. I was with those kids on Saturday's for 2 years. I also volunteered with By The Hand Club for Kids and learned a lot under my mentor Donnita Travis.

During an outreach event in Cabrini Green, the visiting pastor called me to come over. He said "Erin, God has given you a passion for children. He will equip you. Don't give up." More fuel to the flame.

Soon after, I was offered a position with SIM in Nigeria. City Ministries Nigeria had, at that time, 70 boys from the streets/orphans and no one to care for their health needs. Without even seeing pictures, I was sold.

In December 2003, I moved to Nigeria and started a chapter in my life that caused much joy, much heart ache, and the best 4 years of my life thus far. For more details, check out my other blog http://erinrigsby.blogspot.com/.

In God's sovereignty, He called me out of Nigeria in April 2008. That started the most difficult, darkest, painful chapter of my life. I, along with many others, were perplexed as to why the Lord would allow a lung condition to 'get in the way' of an incredible ministry and change the plans of someone (me) who was completely and utterly devoted to Nigeria and planned on living there until I died or retired.

Many lessons have been learned in the past 2 years. One thing I have learned, is that He never breaks His promises, He never lies, He never quits.

The flame for hurting children tried to go out. The enemy did all he could to distract me, to tempt me, to discourage me. My selfishness, my pain, my confusion also got in the way. At times, I felt so consumed by brokenness and sorrow, from missing the children in Nigeria and the loss of all I had known the past 4 years. Let's just say, it was hard.

But it was also beautiful. In the midst of the anguish and the anger, the Spirit continued to speak, to encourage, to comfort, to lead me back to Truth. I was hungry for the Word, to understand and to go deeper. Chaos took me to an intense desire for peace. Confusion lead me to seek a Strong Foundation. To run to my Refuge.

The burden for children remained and the fire never went out. There were days, though, to be quite honest, that I just wished I wouldn't care so much and love so deeply. I wished (and sometimes still do in my selfishness), that I could be free from feeling their pain.

Thank the Lord that, through His Word, His Spirit, and His people, I can still feel. I am not numb or callous.

Last fall (2009) as I started to come up from the place of brokenness, I started seeking where serve. Over the years, when people heard me speak about children in need, they would say that God has given me the ability to be a voice for the children. To be a voice... hmmm... how was that going to happen now that I was back in the States? It took months and lots of prayer before God showed me.

To be continued....